F1 Grand Prix headed to Mornington

Getting a park on market day: Mornington is no stranger to cars manoeuvring around at high speed.

Getting a park on market day: Mornington is no stranger to cars manoeuvring around at high speed.

Furious opposition is being mounted to the rumour that the Formula One Grand Prix is leaving Albert Park, and heading to Mornington.

The news surfaced over the last 48 hours after it is believed that Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone was seen in Mornington during the Melbourne Grand Prix weekend.

“I’m pretty sure it was him”, said local real estate agent Xavier Thurmiester.

“He had an ice cream pizza at DOC before heading off in the direction of Beaches to dance the night away.

It is believed that local property developer and teeth whitening proponent, Nigel Necker, is behind the consortium of local businessmen aiming to bring the race to the seaside town.

“Look. I deny everything. But let me just say this… when we do get the Grand Prix here, Mornington will never be the same.”

Plans scribbled on a serviette and handed to The News show the race skirting around Mornington’s existing ring road infrastructure, minimising the capital works that would be required to bring the event to the town.

“We’re half way there already”, said Mr Necker. “We just need the stand infrastructure to be put in place, and we are hoping that we can call for tenders from local tradies over the next couple of weeks.”

As for food for the hungry hundreds of thousands, Mr Necker is also extremely confident.

“As well as our top-notch cafes and restaurants, we’ve also put in calls to Mr Calamari, the Dutch poffertjes  guy, and also those people who do those amaging twirly potato sticks. Nobody will go home hungry!”

It only took a matter of hours before protestors made their presence felt. It is believed that the anti Grand Prix movement have spent the last two days scattering autumn leaves along Main Street.

“It is a symbol of peace and tranquillity,” said protest organiser Chakra Divine.

“They want to take our town and destroy it. We want to show the peaceful beauty that would be swept away by the monstrous event.”

Nigel Necker disagrees.

“These people are just against everything. I mean, it’s only 150 decibels, which is under the pain and permanent injury threshold, and it will only be for one week a year… 18 hours a day. That’s a small price to pay!”.

“And besides, we’ve already begun distributing  45,000 sets of earplugs to the townships of Mornngton, Mount Martha and Mount Eliza. If you haven’t received yours yet, expect them in your letterbox any day now.”

Mr Necker believes the vast majority of residents are for the race coming to Mornington.

“Imagine how great it will be to sit at your favourite café in Mornington, drinking your café latte, with what sounds like a fighter jet whipping past your ear every few seconds.”

Traffic management has been touted as a major issue when the event arrives.

“You know how busy it was when the cruise ship arrived,” said Ms Devine. “Well times that by 150!”

“Again, just scare mongering” said Mr Necker. “There won’t be any traffic, as we’ll close all the roads. Main Street will be transformed into a wonderful mall and entertainment precinct for the duration.”

Rumours have abounded that the race coming to Mornington has long been part of the shires master plan for the town.

“Why do you think we built the ring road ten years ago?” said shire employee Emile Hirsch, who spoke to The News on condition of anonymity.

“So cars can drive around, right? You’re the journalist. Join the dots.”


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