The following is a reconstruction of the ACTUAL phone call between President Trump and Prime Minister Turnbull done by MPNG’s Stuart McCullough. It does contain FAKE NEWS, such as the claim that “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” is a tremendous show…
***
Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
‘WHAT!’
‘Good morning Mr. President.’
‘Who is this?’
‘It’s Malcolm Turnbull.’
‘Trumble?’
‘Turnbull.’
‘Hey, Tumble, I want answers. Like where the hell is my pizza? I ordered that thing thirty minutes ago and if I don’t see a stuffed crust super supreme in front of me in the next sixty seconds, you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna call the Pentagon, get a dozen five star generals and not only will you bring me pizza, I’ll make you pay for it. Mark my words.’
(Pause) ‘This isn’t the pizza guy.’
‘How did you get this number? Damn it! Why are people always giving out my digits? It drives me crazy.’
‘We have a scheduled phone call.’
‘No we don’t. Nope. That’s a lie. Never gonna happen. Everybody knows that’s fake news from the liberal elite media, right there. Meryl Streep probably told you that and you’re crazy to believe anything that overrated broad says. True fact; I was actually offered the role of Margaret Thatcher before they gave it to her. The producers begged me. BEGGED me, but I just couldn’t do it. Would have done a fantastic job, too. She got an Oscar, but if I’d done it, I’d have won a Nobel.’
‘Mr. President, there’s no Nobel Prize for acting.’
‘Of course there is. You’re crazy. Who did you say you were?’
‘It’s Malcolm Turnbull, Prime Minister of Australia.’
‘Hold on a New York minute here, Tindell. You have a lot of nerve calling me like this. I’m half way through binge-watching season six of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. It’s really a tremendous show. Tremendous. They wanted me as a series regular. I’d come on and give financial advice, that kind of thing. Would have done a superb job, too. Superb. But I couldn’t fit it in my schedule. Great family. I’m thinking of giving them Canada. Where did you say you were from?’
‘Australia.’
‘WHAT! You people. As far as I’m concerned you take him back. I don’t want to even have to see his ugly face again. You know I gave him a perfectly successful television program and he flushed it right down the tubes. The ratings are basically in the toilet right now. It’s unbelievable. You know, Arnold Schwarzenegger should fire himself. Hey Arnie! YOU’RE FIRED.’
‘No Mr. President, you’re thinking of Austria. I’m from Australia.’
‘Nice try but it doesn’t exist. No one fools Donald J Trump. Nobody.’
‘I can assure you that Australia exists. You’ve actually been here.’
‘Who do you think you’re talking to, Tingle? Did you know my inauguration could be seen from space? Trundell, are you listening to me? TUNGDELL!!!’
(Long, long pause) ‘I’m still here, Mr. President.’
‘This is the worst, absolutely the worst call I’ve had today. I was talking to Putin earlier – tremendous person, really first class – we’ve agreed to go shirtless bear wrestling together in April. I think he’d be better than Schwarzenegger, I really do. In fact…’ (Sound of phone hitting desk and muffled yelling – ‘GET ME AN EXECUTIVE ORDER. ARNIE’S OUT, VLAD’S IN.’) What was I saying, Toadstool?’
‘It’s Turnbull. We we’re going to discuss the deal.’
‘THAT’S YOU?! For crying out loud why didn’t you say something earlier? That deal STINKS like last week’s tuna fish. I’ll tell you this: Donald J Trump would never cut a deal like that. Never. Not in a million years. In fact, if Donald J Trump had negotiated that deal – I’m a master negotiator, everybody knows it – you would have surrendered Tasmania.’
(Pause) ‘A deal is a deal.’
(Sound of screaming) ‘Do you hear that, Turbo? That’s the sound of me pulling out the hair of the person standing next to me in frustration. FRUSTRATION! I’d pull out my own hair but I can’t because I signed an Executive Order yesterday classifying it as a National Park. So that’s your final offer?’
‘It is, Mr. President.’
‘Damn it, Trombone! WAIT A MINUTE. FINALLY. My pizza has arrived. Do you guys even have pizza in Austria? You know I make an amazing pizza, everyone thinks so. Really exquisite. Truncheon, are you still there? TRUNCHEON?! DO YOU HEAR ME?????’ (Line goes dead)
